I know that I can never be your first love – photography will always be your number one.

I only wish that someday, when you are ready …

You will make me your top three.

This afternoon, I had to make a trip to Palace of Golden Horses (POGH) for a wedding seminar hosted by Tourism Malaysia. As I approached the junction leading to the hotel, cars began to come to a standstill due to traffic congestion. It’s been 2 1/2 years since my brother passed away and it felt like a light year’s ago since I took this route.

I hardly go down this road anyway, at least not anymore, mainly because it’s the route I had to take twice a day, everyday when my brother was doing his industrial training at POGH. Those days, I would complain everytime we got stuck in the jam. I would complain about how much time we were wasting being stuck in the jam. I would grumble about the early morning shifts that interrupted my sleep. Traffic was always a two-way b*tch, congested all the way down heading to Sungai Besi and congested all the way up to KL when I had to drive back after dropping him off. The shift would end around 4:30pm and it was the busiest time of the day for me but  I had to work my schedule around so that I could pick him up on time. Of course, we would talk and chit chat, gossip and laugh about corny friends and scandalous celebrities, of family and colleagues and generally about anything that crossed our minds. Then there were times that I would ask him to just take the car and drive himself there because I was just too lazy to drive him to work.

If I could turn back time, I would have complained less and told you feel just how proud I was that you were always punctual to work.

If I could turn back time, I would have told you every morning and every afternoon or just about anytime that we were stuck in the jam, that I really enjoyed our brother-sister bonding time in the car.

If I could turn back time, I would have woken up earlier everyday just so that we could have breakfast together before sending you to work instead of having you to gobble up breakfast in the car.

If I could turn back time, I would have been more verbally supportive, knowing just how much you really enjoyed working in the hospitality industry.

If I could turn back time, I wished I didn’t make you feel like you were such a hassle, because you weren’t.

If I could turn back time, I would have made the effort to visit your workplace instead of losing my patience if I had to wait just a little longer in the car because you were held up with work.

If I could turn back time, I would have told you just how much I learned from you and just how much you have given to the world; your family, your friends and the people who knew you. You always looked up to me as the elder sister who excelled at everything, and that perhaps humbled you into believing that you are not good enough.

If I could turn back time, I would have slowed down, have an afternoon tea at the outlets where you were working. I would have been a difficult customer on purpose, then go home and laugh ourselves silly.

If I could turn back time, I would have taken more pictures of you with all your funny expressions when we had so much idle time in the car, then perhaps we would have more of you to remember.

If I could turn back time …

I sat in the car and wiped my tears away. I’ve reached my destination. I pulled myself together and walked down the majestic hallway of POGH. That’s the thing about regrets. You can ponder about so many things and wished you had done them differently. But you can never turn back time.

Today, I am reminded of my dad. 29th January – his birthday.

This is the 1st year we’ll be celebrating CNY without both our dad and Tian Leng. We’re still unsure where we’ll be spending our CNY break, most likely back in PD. I have a feeling that our house will be strangely quiet this year.

Do miss the happy times when the family was complete.

There’s somebody I’m longing to see, I hope that he turns out to be,

Someone who’ll watch over us …

You were like a rock
Strong, faithful and true

I was your first born
Daddy’s little girl
I took my own path
But was still part of your world

I was not the best
Guilty of neglect
But you know papa dearest
I had so much respect

I always loved you
My dad, my star
I love you now
As I did back then
I just hope… one day
I will see you again

I am so proud of you
Brave and strong to the end
Now when asked “how are you?”
There is no need to pretend

We all love and miss you so much, sleep well papa
and take care of your son, our brother who went before you

Poem by Diana Doyle; Song by Ella Fitzgerald

Tiba saatnya kita saling bicara
Tentang perasaan yang kian menyiksa
Tentang rindu yang menggebu
Tentang cinta yang tak terungkap

Sudah terlalu lama kita berdiam
Tenggelam dalam gelisah yang tak teredam
Memenuhi mimpi-mimpimu malam kita

Duhai cintaku, sayangku, lepaskanlah
Perasaanmu, rindumu, seluruh cintamu
Dan kini hanya ada aku dan dirimu
Sesaat di keabadian

Jika sang waktu kita hentikan
Dan segala mimpi-mimpi jadi kenyataan
Meleburkan semua batas
Antara kau dan aku, kita

Someone stole my phone, to be precise, my brother’s phone at a function just now!!!I was using his phone ever since my handphone drowned in a pool of water.

I am soo upset while at the same time angry at the thief. I kept calling but to no avail. He either let it ring or abruptly cancelled my call. So I decided to send a message in english and malay saying “Please return my dead brother’s phone. It’s the only memory I have of him.” and no reply. So I sent another message. A lil childish  but I hope he/she has a lil conscience to return the phone!

“I hope my dead brother comes back to haunt you for stealing his phone!!!!!!”

I was browsing through DVDs just now when all of a sudden, the staff walked up to me and whispered “Teng Yat Choi Fan Lei Tak Mou?” (Can you come back tomorrow?). Every Malaysian would know that when a DVD shop that opens till 2am wants you to leave, it’s an indication that a raid is about to happen.

So naturally, I said OK and started to walk out of the shop when two plainclothes officers teased “Ah Mooiiiii…..datang balik esokkkk. Pakai lawa-lawa tau..”

This is a perfect display of corruption in the most obvious splendour. Can I also call this sexual harassment?

Shut down the non-licensed operators? Who are we trying to kid! If anyone says that they only buy original DVDs, their statement would probably be met with a stunned expression of “You must be really stupid to be buying original.” 

So, it’s a despicable act. “You Asians…” do I hear gasps of disgust from the westerners… Oh well, it’s probably the same bunch of foreigners who buy stacks of these pirated DVDs when they visit Batu Ferringhi.  

It’s unfortunate that Tourism Malaysia can’t promote it under their Visit Malaysia project. The DVD culture is by far one of the most original product of Malaysia. It probably contributes millions of Ringgit into our economy, taxation and duit kopi.

*shit, is this a seditious remark? Everything we say these days can be arguably seditious. So really, we have to be careful in what we say because even if we’re reporting the truth, you can still be caught while the actual criminal roams free.

While all of us know that it is wrong, the DVD culture has been engraved so deep in our culture that it has become a way of life. Yeah..*snort* like you can’t tell the grades from the price of DVDs?

“Hah, RM10?! So expensive one. Original or cinema copy?” 

“What? Season 1-6 for only RM30? It’s China version issit?”

I won’t speak for the general but let me list out why I buy ‘p’ DVDs from ’x’ shop although I only buy original music CDs.

Reason 1: They have great service. If you are a frequent customer, they remember your face and your previous purchases. Can I get that from Tower Records or Rock Corners?  

Reason 2: They offer personalised service. They are good observers, they observe what you pick up and then from there, suggest other movies that might be of interest to you.

Reason 3: They leave you at your own will. They don’t follow you around as if you are gonna steal the empty covers from their display trays.

Reason 4: They may look like gangsters, talk like gangsters, are actually gangsters, but when you make friends, they are actually really nice people who allow 100% return policy if there is a problem with the disc/movie quality even after 1 month you’ve purchased the DVDs. Hassle free, no need to keep receipt as proof of purchase or explain in lengthy details. 

Reason 5: They are honest. Funny, it’s a contradiction to their nature of business, but it’s also for this fact that people come back over and over again. “This one not very clear yet. Wait for the next batch.”

If a movie sucks, they will tell you bluntly … “very slow..very boring. Too much of talking.” Really, we don’t need intellectual critics, just a summarised opinion because we can decide for ourselves and give our ‘two thumbs up’ reviews after we’ve watched it.

Reason 6: You can save with bundle purchase. Buy 5 FREE 1. Buy 4 FREE 1. Buy 10 FREE 3. You get the idea.

Reason 7: You can take affordable package and don’t have to choose all your movies at once. They will give you a card, and everytime you come back, they will just deduct from your package. It’s like your facial package except that this will only cost you RM50.

 Reason 8: Some offer loyalty card. After your 10th purchase, you get free DVD. yahoooo…

Reason 9: Did I say they are un-licensed operators? My bad. They are licensed operators. Read that…LICENSED OPERATORS. “We have 20 branches in Klang Valley” That’s like Maybank isn’t it?

Reason 10: You can pay by credit card. If they are not licensed operators, how come they can offer credit card facilities? You’ll need to provide genuine documents before the bank will extend the facility to a business. So when you joke around with the staff that you don’t have enough money (hoping they will give some discount), they will say “No problem, can swipe card!” So no excuses not to buy more. 

Reason 11: You can make advance booking for new movies.

Reason 12: If you want a certain movie and they don’t have it in their shop, they will check from their other outlets. 

It’s common coffee talk knowledge that most of the time, officers are bribed, or else how can the shops be operating in broad daylight anyway.  

In some cases, you see a lorry that comes and sweeps up all these DVDs, then the next day, the same operators are back again as if nothing happened. That’s what we call “putting up a show for us” to show that they are doing their job in catching these illegal operators.

Usually, an informer somewhere would call or walkie talkie to his fellow team mates that officers are on their way (It’s like in high school, where the head prefect will warn his fellow classmates before the disciplinary master makes his round of spot check). They will then close up the shop and store away their ’products’, not because they don’t want to be caught, but simply to cut losses. While their big bosses are already ‘paying’ the hefty price ‘up there’, the runners (operators) also have to please the lower-ranked minions.

Crack down on operators? Like I said, who are we trying to kid! Do you know how many people would be jobless – from production to sales, the factories to the distributors. You’d get a real culture shock to find that their factory is not your shabby little warehouse. They have the most high-tech equipment, quality control (QC) dept, graphics/animation dept, accounts dept, distribution, off-site storage warehouse, international links, etc etc etc……. To shut them down would only result in the increase of other more harmful criminal activities once thousands are out of job.

There was this cute guy who used to work at this shop. He was really good at his job. While some staff don’t usually know the details of every movie, this guy could explain any movie you ask him in perfect English. But these days, I no longer see him around, not because he got caught and put into lock-up, but because he has been promoted to management level. I kid you not! They actually have a career progression! Among other benefits is RM2,000 in petrol allowance but I think he might have been joking when he said that.

I admit that this is daylight robbery of copyrighted materials. I’d be mad too if others steal my content or ideas. But similar to the many millions of Malaysians out there, it has become a part of our culture.

I took this picture just now and I really like the simplicity of this newly painted wall and a chair for me to sit. heh….

I love the colour of this wall. The dark turquoise is rather intense for a small room but I like how it reminds me of home and the pool and the sea. Deep down, I’m just another beach bummer from small town PD

Yea…I know friends from the city always wonder what we do back in PD. Like..heck, we don’t even have the cinema.  They just don’t understand us Dixonians.

This is taking longer than I expected. Everything should have been ready by last Sunday but it’s all still work in progress. In fact, I had to change the entire colour from walnut brown to white because the contractor made a major boo boo on the tile colour. Now, I’m kind of regretting that I’m letting them off so easily by agreeing to white…..

I am bad with white…….

“Passion is a positive obsession. Obsession is a negative passion.”      – Paul Carvel -

Someone I greatly love and respect once told me that either I give 110% or don’t bother wasting my time on something or anything……

I’ve always held on to that thought in my actions. That piece of advice still rings loud in my head.

I think obsession is a good thing. Too much of anything and everything is often detrimental, but isn’t it the obsession of details that makes great men? The capacity to stay concentrated on a subject, hobby or interest with much desire until it becomes a burning obsession leads to great discoveries and a mastery of perfection. But when do you draw the line between being passionate and being obsessive?

Love becomes a burden when too much love turns into an obsession. But is it really love, or simply the dejection from rejection that keeps one obsessed even when love no longer lingers in the heart?

I lost a friendship few years ago. He was a good friend to me when I first arrived in UK for the final year of my studies. I really enjoyed his company and appreciated his caring ways. But I think our friendship literally ended when he confessed his intentions and I declined. Perhaps the scars are still physically visible. How can one be with someone all the time and yet not know anything at all about the other person, especially if it’s someone you’re interested in? Perhaps he felt that he knew me well, when in fact, I think we were strangers at heart eventhough we spent much time together. Is one’s past important? I think it is. Perhaps many will not agree with me, but I think in order to understand a person’s action or train of thoughts, one has to first understand her past. Did it hurt me to hurt him? It did. But cruelty is kindness in disguise. I was a victim of one, and still recovering when I had to return that same cruelty to someone else. It was not because I wasn’t interested, it was because I wasn’t ready for another serious relationship, and his persistance became a compulsive obsession that scared me.

A while ago, I met a guy who seemed like a really sweet gentleman. He seemed like your average boy-next-door with a good sense of fashion, career path and the manners that any mom would be proud of. But after our first ’date’ at a mamak stall, he started calling me everyday, six times a day. It started off with a morning call, followed by a call asking if I’d like to go out for breakfast, then a mid morning call for lunch, then afternoon call to ask what I was doing, then evening call for dinner and followed by a late night call to chat. I’ve had my fairshare of ambitious men and to have a guy who gave constant attention to my welfare was flattering. Then red flags literally flagged up and down my thoughts after ….. a week. I think we’ve only gone out three times and I’ve always made it a point to go common areas such as mamak, tai pai tong food court area. And conversations about his manhood and strong sperms and how many kids he’d want killed my appetite. Actually, it was more like an obliging nod of “oh, aheh..issit…haha…good for your future wife. Er…… *wave frantically*  BOSS! kira…..”  from me. There was once he called while I was getting ready for appt with gynae and he insisted to come along despite a resounding “NO!” from me. T’was then that I realised this guy really had some serious issues. He would call me up to 20 times a day if I don’t answer the phone.  It was a typical “Where are you? What are you doing? Dinner with who? Can I join?” conversation. And when he showed me a tattoo of his ex-gf’s name across his chest and the story of how they had to settle out of court when he sued her for abusing him, it was DEFINITELY a deal-breaker no matter how I tried to work around that whole obsession thingy. I gave many hints that I was just interested in friendship, but sometimes… I think it’s better to state the obvious. Lesson learnt. The final straw came when I decided to decline meeting his friends for reason that I was not feeling well. He sent me a sequence of angry text messages, followed by several sorry text messages, followed by drive-by’s, followed by relentless phonecalls.  So, was that love at first sight or pure obsession?

I’ve always been a self-learner. When I become interested in a particular subject, I’ll buy self-help books, surf the internet, ask friends, make new acquaintances of similar interests, read and practice till I become familiar with it. Jack of all trades, master of none, they say. But life is short isn’t it? There are so many things to learn, so little time.

I could never understand the psychology of stalkers. I could never understand why someone would sit patiently in a car, waiting for the right time to accidently bump into you, or count the number of telephone lines that go into your house, or steal exercise books from the teacher’s room in school so that he could pretend that the teacher dropped it simply for that short momentary opportunity to say ‘hello’. I could never understand how someone would go through all the trouble of studying a person’s weekly routine and yet never mustered up the courage to speak to her. How can there be an obsession if these two were total strangers that led separate lives? If ever you meet a guy whose idea of a conservation starts off with “Have you ever had sex with a different person, and imagine yourself having sex with someone else?” then my friend, run….. as fast and as far as you can because chances are, you’ll end up living in the same neighbourhood after 10 years.

If beauty is not an obsession, why do women work so hard to look good? Is it to please the men, or a natural competitive nature to appeal to other women? Could it just be the feel good factor? I think people who say that they aren’t flattered by compliments are lying. Everyone seeks for gratitude and acknowledgement every once in a while. Abraham Maslow proved it centuries ago through his hierarchy of needs.

When I used to be in competitive swimming, we’d swim up and down the 50m pool everyday, sometimes twice a day, six times a week. If it was passion, then it certainly turned into an obsession to beat our best time or that of our closest competitors that kept one going. Or is determination alone enough to sustain the desire to push beyond one’s limits?

My friend said I have this constant obsession to fix things. I remember a time in high school when I was pursued by a gangster classmate who was expelled from school. I was a prefect so the teacher arranged for me to sit next to him in class. It was a little condescending at first, but I decided that instead of ‘suffering’ in awkward silence, I decided to ’make a difference’, to be his new best friend and helped him with his studies so that he would shy away from the ‘dark’ side. Somehow, like a context out of chinese tele series, he misunderstood my actions, some dramas in between and last I heard, he’s now a loan shark. Good for him.

I used to put in so much into my relationships. Time and time again, I end up broken and disappointed. I’m happy that I’ve remained friends with ‘them’ minus 1. It made me wonder why I wasted so much time to fix relationships with ‘some people’ who aren’t worth my affection in the first place. It still bothers me that we’re not in speaking terms, because we were really good friends before we even got together. Can’t friendship be salvaged if relationship do not work out? These days, I’ve shifted my energy, time and attention to happy lovely couples out there and building my business. That’s my obsession, and a few too many to name for now.